Five Books That Won’t Impress Your Date

Recently my friend Chez wrote two blog posts entitled “Five Books That Won’t Impress a Girl” and “Five Books That Won’t Impress a Boy.” I’d like to steal that idea (or as someone I recently met suggested, consider it open source) and submit my own version. Here are some books you may want to hide away from your bookshelf, and certainly not tote along with you on a date.

Five Books That Won’t Impress a Girl

5. The iPad for Dummies by Edward Baig. You need a Dummies book to explain what is arguably the easiest user interface ever created? Really?

4. The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger. You’re a tortured loner. Got it.

3. Jack Chick tracts by Jack Chick. These are the hellfire and brimstone comics you may find stuffed into your screen door when you come home from work. Either this person is very into Jesus or collecting these out of an ironic hipster spirit. Either way, it is acceptable grounds for their date running away.

2. Generation Ex: Adult Children of Divorce and the Healing of Our Pain by Jen Abbas and Elizabeth Marquardt. Help your date prepare by telling her to bring a handkerchief for you and a tarp so she doesn’t get her dress wet. From the tears, you sicko!

1. Learn Just Enough…To Get Laid by Tyler DeAngelo and Brad Emmett. You’ve just told her two things about yourself: you are not very smart, and all you want is sex.

Honorable Mention: A Geek’s Guide to Get Laid! Have Sex Even if You’re Fat, Ugly, or Worse by Dave Briner. Not only are you desperate, but it seems you lack self-esteem. Is that the “worse” part?

Five Books That Won’t Impress a Boy

5. Fat is a Feminist Issue by Susie Orbach. This is the only one on this list I’ve got on my bookshelf. If you’re trying to impress another woman, sure. If you’re trying to impress a man, I see two warning signs in the title, neither of which are the F word he wants to be hearing.

4. Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex by Julie Ross and Judy Corcoran. Baggage, emotional and physical. Plus, a potential to get punched in the klavey by the ex.

3. Kardashian Konfidential by the Kardashian whatevers. Easily interchanged with anything by a Snooki, Paris Hilton, or anyone else who has ever had a “reality” show on a secondary cable channel. (Guys, that includes You Can Run But You Can’t Hide by Dog the Bounty Hunter!)

2. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. If you’re really into Mr. Darcy, I suggest listening to “Oh Mr. Darcy” by the Doubleclicks.

1. Wedding Planning for Dummies by Marci Blum and Laura F. Kaiser. You’re looking at her bookshelf for the first time and she’s planning her wedding? Run. Fast.

Honorable Mention: The Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer. You’ve just told him two things about yourself: you have a lot of time to be reading poorly written romance novels, and you may be a necrophiliac.

What would be on your list?

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1 Comment

Filed under books, Uncategorized

One response to “Five Books That Won’t Impress Your Date

  1. LOL. That’s so funny! Well done, HA! I quite liked the Catcher in the Rye entry. I loved that book until I realized everyone else is a tortured loner too. Bravo!

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